It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, the end of November. The worst time of year. When the calendar says it’s still autumn, but there are no colorful leaves to make summer’s passing bearable. When the sun and wind are bitter and cold, but there isn’t any snow to show for it. When all of the trees are naked and ugly and grey.
But inside my apartment I tried to make it feel just like summer. It was easy to do, at least for a little while, because Cassidy had the week off from school, and that meant that I had her for a full day. We played Rummy and watched cartoons and ate pasta salad for lunch, just like we’d done back in July and August, when the sun and wind were golden and hot. But after she helped me with the dishes we dug out the crayons and spent the rest of the afternoon making placemats for Thursday’s big meal at her house. Turkeys and Pilgrims and harvest vegetables. And that was a stark reminder that summer had long since passed.
After Laura picked her up I headed off to work. I passed by the lake on my way into town. It was cold and barren, too. I tried to remember how it had looked a month earlier, when the leaves were vibrant and alive with yellow and orange and red. I couldn’t do it. And I wasn’t sure if I’d seen it and forgotten, or if I’d spent October in such a fog that I’d just driven by it every day for a whole month…and never noticed it at all.
I was nearly done with my last job when my cell phone rang. It was Zeke. And that, of course, could only mean one thing. Rachel.
“Cookie crumbs?”
“Not exactly. But…can you head over here when you’re done with work?”
He didn’t have to ask twice. When I got to the diner he led me through the kitchen, past staring employees--including a smiling and oblivious Donny--and into the employee break room. Rachel was sitting at a table by herself, staring at the floor. She didn’t even look up as we came in.
“I’m through talking to you,” Zeke began, “so now you’re going to listen to Tess.”
“I told you I didn’t want you to call her.”
“And I told you I don’t give a shit. You’re lucky I didn’t try getting ahold of Brian. Now, are you going to show her or am I going to lift your shirt up myself?”
She glared at Zeke, then at me. I glared right back at her. Because she had promised. No needles. Not that. She had promised...
She stood up, kicked her chair behind her as she did, and yanked up her shirt. Not her sleeves, though, not needle marks; it was her back. Then she turned around and, more gingerly, slid her pants down a few inches, revealing a huge, ugly purple bruise. It covered part of her lower back, her hip and at least halfway down her ass.
“Tim hit her,” Zeke said, “and she fell onto the coffee table. She won’t call the cops. The only reason I even know about it is because I noticed she was moving a little slow tonight, so I followed her in here and caught her checking it out in the mirror.”
“Oh my…God.”
It was my fault. I’d left her there. I knew he’d hit her, should have known he’d do it again. And I’d left her there anyway.
I did that to her…
“When I was there with you that day…that wasn’t the first time he hit you. Was it?”
She covered herself back up. Still wouldn’t look either of us in the eye.
Zeke pointed at her. “Rachel, you just said he hadn’t done anything like this before.”
She still said nothing, only stared down at her shoes.
I rubbed my head. I had to figure out what to do, but I couldn’t think. I kept seeing her face the way it had been that day. Bruised cheek. Hopeless eyes.
Abandoned.
I took a deep breath and looked over at Zeke. “Can you give Brian a call and have him come down here?”
I didn’t want to. He had enough to worry about and he sure as hell didn’t need this. But I’d failed her. Left her alone. And I’d held too much back from him as it was.
Rachel sprung at me and grabbed my arm. “No!”
I ignored her. “He’s home by now. Just...give him a call.”
Zeke nodded and started for the door. Rachel let go of me and ran over to him. “Wait, Zeke don’t go.” He wriggled out of her grasp and she grabbed his shirt. “God damn it Zeke, just...please wait! Don’t call him yet.”
She’d said the magic word--yet--and he came back into the room. “Well?”
She turned to me, pleading. “You promised you wouldn’t say anything to Brian.”
“Yeah. I did.”
Just like an idiot. You left her there, Tess. You left her all alone.
“But only if you stayed away from Tim.”
“I wasn’t...this...he wasn’t at my place so I could score or to...” She glanced at Zeke, embarrassed, then continued. “I needed some money and I thought he’d give it to me.”
“Money? What the hell for?”
“I...for an abortion.”
I blinked. Did it again. Because she’d said some words, but they didn’t make any sense. So I rolled the word around in my brain. Because I hadn’t heard wrong. She really had said it. She had skipped right over the guess what, I’m pregnant and went right to...
“Abortion.”
“Yes.”
I looked over at Zeke. He didn’t seem at all surprised. So how could I not have known? I saw her every week, at least once a week, usually more than that…and I hadn’t noticed anything. Not until right now, this moment. Because she was wearing a big, roomy shirt and a pair of loose stretch pants. She was far enough along that she had a belly to hide.
How could I not know?
“I thought you were...the pill. Aren’t you on the pill?”
She gave Zeke another sideways glance, then she charged right ahead. “Remember that day, Tess? When we went to the movies? And I was...with him that morning?”
I nodded and hit the rewind button. Tim let me in, then he left. I cleaned up the apartment while she was in the shower. Kitchen. Living room. Coffee table.
Pharmacy bag.
“Antibiotics...”
...make birth control pills ineffective.
She nodded. Red faced, miserable.
“Oh, shit Rachel, didn’t you know?”
It was a stupid, hypocritical question, because I knew better, too. I’d seen them and hadn’t thought to say anything to her. With everything else going on that day I just never thought about it.
But it was too late for that. Onto step two.
“You...you’re sure you want an abortion?”
“Yes.”
“Tim’s not putting you up to this is he? Is that what the bruise is about?”
“No, Tess. It’s my decision. I made an appointment already. It’s in Portland on Friday.”
“Friday.”
She nodded. Of course. Friday. The day after Thanksgiving. And why not? It was just as good a day as any other. And God really did have a sense of humor.
Step three. I did the backwards math, counted back to Labor Day. Eleven weeks…
“Jesus, Rach. You’re cutting it pretty close.”
“I know, Tess. I just…” She kicked her chair again and took a deep breath. “MaineCare won’t pay for it unless it’s rape or if I’ve got something wrong with me, so I have to come up with the money myself, but it’s almost five hundred bucks and I don’t have that kind of fucking money, so I figured I’d see if Tim would give me the rest, because he’s got it coming outta his ass, and if I have to wait another week I’ll have to go all the way to fucking Boston, and it costs even more and...”
I’d never, since I’d known her, heard her say so many words in a row, let alone so quickly. She had to stop to take another breath, and when she let it out it was shaky. Just like her hands.
“So, I called him this morning, but I didn’t tell him why till he got to my place. He probably thought I wanted--”
“Yeah. I know what he probably thought, Rach.” But I didn’t, exactly.
Gonna wean myself off of it…
Couldn’t be that. How hard could that be?
“Well, when I told him what it was about…he fucking flipped. He pushed me into the coffee table and...anyway, he said he wasn’t gonna let me kill his baby, even if he had to...”
But she couldn’t say it. And it was just as well, really, because I didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to know what he’d threatened her with. What I’d let happen to her by leaving her there. Alone. And she was so lost, looking at me--looking to me--like I had something to offer her. Like I knew what to do. Like I could just magically make everything alright. So I said it:
“Don’t worry, Rach. It’s alright.”
How the fuck is it alright, you idiot?
“I mean, it’s gonna be alright.”
Even though, of course, I had no way of knowing whether it was going to be alright or not. And I didn’t have the vaguest idea of what to do. I glanced at my watch. Brian was waiting for me, right now. Probably worried, wondering where I was. And how the hell was I going to tell him? He had too much on his shoulders already, too much burden. All of it was stamped in bold, block letters: RACHEL. And here was one more thing. And I didn’t know if he could take it.
I sighed. It was time to sort it out. There were some things I could keep from him, protect him from, and some things I couldn’t. It was time to separate those things.
Drugs.
“Are you using anything? Right now?”
“No.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing.”
I gave her a careful up and down. Her arms were folded but she wasn’t fidgeting. Her eyes were tired--exhausted, actually--but they weren’t bloodshot. And other than that…I wasn’t an expert. I didn’t know what the hell to look for. I only knew that I didn’t believe her. But I knew if we got Tim out of the picture then the rest would be easy.
“We’ve gotta call the cops, Rachel. We need to make him go away.”
“No cops.” She was adamant.
“Rachel--”
“You call the cops and I’m fucking dead. You know what he’s into, Tess.”
Yeah I do. So did you. And I tried to tell you. I tried to warn you, God damn it Rachel, why the hell didn’t you listen to me?
“It won’t do any good anyway, you know. His ex wife’s got a restraining order against him and he still bugs her all the time.”
Zeke nodded. “It’s true, Tess. You know how it is.”
I did. The closest State Police barracks was in Westville, a half-hour drive on a good day. And they were up to their asses in drug enforcement and domestic violence there. They had little time to worry about what was going on in the boonies.
I cleared my throat.
“Brian can take care of him, then. I’ll--”
She shook her head. “No. Tess, you can’t. Brian won’t just kick his ass this time. He’ll kill him. You know that.”
“Well…yeah. Then we won’t have to worry about him anymore, will we? The whole fucking planet will be a bright and beautiful place.”
“Sure. That’s a perfect idea. He’s such a fucking idiot when he’s pissed off that he’ll go off on Tim without even thinking to cover his tracks and he’ll get caught. Hell, he’ll probably drag Jeff into it again. You want them spend the rest of their stupid, fucking lives in jail? You want Cassidy to--”
“Alright, alright. Just…shut up for a second. Let me figure this out. You said you’ve got an appointment?”
Rachel nodded. “Friday.”
Friday.
“But I don’t have the money.”
“Just...don’t worry about the money.”
Zeke touched my sleeve. “Tess, I can help out if--”
I shook my head. “Thanks. But I’ve got it.”
I did, in my savings. It was for winter, for rent and heat and food. But I’d have to worry about that later.
Rachel sat back down. “Tess, I can pay you back.”
“I said don’t worry about it.” Because there was something more important to worry about. A Something I didn’t want to think about.
Two years too late…
But it was there anyway. I looked at Rachel. She was scared. Sad. Alone. And that was more important than anything else. More important than anyone else. Even a tiny, helpless Anyone. So I made the offer. “Do you want me to take you?”
She gave me a weak, relieved smile. “Could you?”
I nodded, already rearranging my schedule. I could do my office jobs early in the morning. Busy Friday wasn’t as busy as it was during the summer because most of my house jobs had moved away for the winter. Except for Zeke.
As though he’d read my mind, he said, “Don’t worry about it, Tess. Just get to my place whenever you can.”
I nodded and moved onto the next thing, even though I didn’t want to. Because what was next was Brian. It all came back to Brian. What to tell him. What to keep from him.
“Zeke, can you give us a minute?”
He looked at his watch. “Yeah. I gotta get back out there anyway.”
I waited until he was gone before I said, “You don’t want to tell Brian...anything?”
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
I stuffed my hands in my coat pocket and shivered. Because she was right. If Brian found out what Tim had done to her, he wouldn’t just knock the asshole around a little and like last time. He’d go crazy. He would go out and find Tim and he would kill him. It wouldn’t be any great loss to have that bastard out of the way, but it would mean that Brian’s life would be over. And Tim sure as hell wasn’t worth that.
“I’ll cover for you, Rach. On one condition.”
She groaned.
“You know what? I don’t think you’re in the position to give me any shit. The condition is that you have to stay with us.”
“Oh, fuck that.”
“Fuck you, Rach. There’s no way I’m letting you live by yourself right now. That would be like painting a big fat target on your ass. And I’ll tell you something else, even though you already know it. Brian already worries enough about you right now. If anything happened to you, for real…what do you think that would do to him?”
She rolled her eyes.
“Well, you’re staying with us, and that’s all there is to it. At least for a little while. You can stay upstairs in my apartment.”
I said it like it was a done deal. Like Brian wouldn’t have any problem with me moving in with him. Because I knew that he wouldn’t. If it was up to him we would have done it months ago. And he was right, of course. We’d been living together, really, since the first time I’d slept in his bed.
“This isn’t negotiable. You either stay upstairs or I tell Brian everything. Period. You have to be safe. And I don’t think Tim will try anything while you’re living with us.”
She sighed. She was cornered and she knew it. “I know he won’t. He’s afraid of Brian.”
“He should be.” I walked over to the mirror that had caused all the commotion, surveyed my own reflection, and rubbed under my eyes. “Jesus Christ. I look like a fucking raccoon.”
“Who gives a shit? What are we gonna tell Brian?”
And there it was: Lies. Not the yes, I’m fine lie when I really wasn’t fine. Not the kind where I told him only half of the truth about something, or just didn’t bother with telling him the something at all. Those were bad enough. These would be the kind where I’d look him right in the eye and form words with my mouth and lips and tongue and teeth that weren’t true. And say them out loud to him.
He’d want to know why she was so hot to move in, when she’d always refused his help in the past. He’d wonder about drugs. And he’d probably even ask outright if Tim had ever hurt her. It’s what he’d been afraid of all along. He’d ask her and she’d lie, and then he’d ask me, just to make sure. And then I’d have to lie.
Tess, are you sure he never laid a hand on her?
No, Brian. He never touched her.
I looked at my reflection. Not just the smudged makeup, but Me. I didn’t like it.
I sighed. “Are you trying to straighten out your life here, Rach?”
“Well...yeah. I guess.”
“How about that idea I had that day? About you saving for school? Have you actually given that any thought?”
“I can’t afford that.”
I cleared my throat and started concocting the lie that I hoped would turn out to be true. “What if…you woke up this morning and decided you wanted to make a change. What if you decided that you were sick of living the way that you have been and you came to me asking for help, because you were too proud to ask your brother. Because you were afraid of getting another lecture from him. And what if I offered to let you stay at my apartment. And I offered to still pay the rent, like I’ve been doing, and maybe even the heat and lights. And that way all you’d have to worry about is the phone and your food and that sort of thing. Then you could save up all winter and spring and summer and start school next fall. I think it would be a relief to Brian if he thought you were trying to make something of yourself. Don’t you?”
This was it, her moment. It could either be a bullshit story to appease her big brother or it could be something more. Something real. Change.
She smiled. “Actually, I did read up about nursing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, ‘cause…” She shook her head and considered something. Then plunged in. “I remember being at the hospital with Brian the day my mother died. They let him in to see her, but he wouldn’t let me go in. She was so sick and she looked like shit by then and he didn’t want me to remember her that way. But one of the nurses stayed with me in the waiting room all day long. We watched cartoons and colored and she read Little Golden Books to me. I’ll never forget that, because it helped a little. Even though it was the worst day of my whole life, that nurse staying with me made it a little bit better. And…maybe I could do that something like that.”
I wanted to believe her, so badly. And I almost did. “If I paid the rent for you, you’d really save the money for that? For school?”
“Yeah. I would.”
She smiled again and I finally believed her. But then the smile faded, because we still had a mountain named Brian to climb. So we talked it over, made our plans, mapped out the route. Then she went back to work while I went into the bar to convince Zeke. He promised to keep his mouth shut if Rachel really did make some changes. Because he was tired of watching her fuck up her life. And he was tired of seeing Brian have to watch it, too.
“Zeke, I think she’s serious this time.”
He nodded, but didn’t look too optimistic.
“No, really. I think she’ll be okay. If we just keep an eye on her, if both of us do, then she’ll be just fine. It’ll just take her a little while to get her head screwed on straight, but…you’ll see. She’ll be safe with me and Brian, and she’ll be away from Tim and…after Friday she’ll be fine. Really.”
And I believed it. I really did.
A few hours later Brian was sitting beside me on his couch, holding my hand. My heart was racing faster than it ever had. Even though this was the right thing to do. Even though it wasn’t lying. I was just protecting him, even while I protected Rachel. She was standing in front us, performing. Convincingly sheepish.
“I’m tired of wasting my life, Brian. You didn’t give up half your life just to watch me flush mine down the toilet.”
She’d struck the right chord. He nodded emphatically and waited for the rest. So she took a deep breath and told him the plan.
He looked at me, surprised. “Really?”
“Well...if it’s okay with you.”
Of course it was, except for the money. He didn’t want me paying the rent on an apartment I wasn’t living in. There were plenty of people who worked and paid rent and still managed to pay for school, and there’s no reason why Rachel can’t do that, too. So I told him about Dave and Kim, how they’d taken me into their home when I was down and out. I couldn’t pay them back; there was just no way. But I could help Rachel and it would be almost the same thing.
“Fine, Tess. If that’s what you want to do, then I guess I can’t stop you.”
But there was a question in his eyes, the one I’d known would be there. He wouldn’t ask it in front of Rachel, though. Instead he looked back at her, folded his arms, and said:
“So. Just how far along are you?”
She wasn’t prepared for that. She stuttered a bit, then denied it.
“I’m not an idiot. Excuse me for noticing it, but you’ve got a bit of a belly there. And...”
Rachel and I followed his embarrassed gaze. Boobs. I hadn’t noticed in her work shirt. She gave it up and told him about our Friday plans.
“Um...I don’t think Tess is up to taking you to do that, Rach.”
“Why wouldn’t she be up to that?”
I intervened. “I’m okay with it, Brian. We’re all set.”
He said nothing; only stared. I stared right back and saw it there. He knew.
Two years too late…
Goddamn that brother of mine and their fucking fishing trip. How much beer had it taken for Brian to get that out of him? Still I persisted. “I’m taking her.”
He let it go, but I knew the subject wasn’t really closed. And he moved onto his next objection.
“I’m paying for it, Tess, not you. I’ve got the money and….it’s my job to take care of her, not yours.”
I nodded and tried not to show my relief. It would have been a very long winter.
And so it was settled. Brian stood up and looked at his sister, stared closely at her face. Something else was wrong and he knew it. It was in his eyes; those eyes that never let him hide what he was feeling. They absorbed every emotion inside of him, just like a sponge, and held them there--right there--on display for the world to see. He was hurting because she was. She’d learned a lesson he’d wanted to shield her from, lots of them, really. Some that he knew about and others that he didn’t, but suspected. He still wanted to protect her, to keep her safe, to keep her away from the Big Bad World just as long as he could. Keep her far away from any more Learning the Hard Way. For once she was letting him and that made him suspicious. Because it wasn’t like her to give in. He didn’t say anything, though. He only stared at her, pleading with her silently. The unspoken question hovered in the air, hovered for a long time.
What aren’t you telling me?
Her confidence faltered slightly under his gaze, but she quickly recovered and, for the first time in his life, the first time in hers, he didn’t push her. He just sighed, and headed for the shower.
That meant it was time for me to put my foot down. Because it wasn’t just his eyes that had told me everything he’d been feeling, it was experience, however slight. I’d only had a small piece of the burden, a tiny bit of RACHEL, and only for a couple of months. But I was already buckling underneath the weight, underneath the fear and helplessness and suspicion. He’d had to carry all of that, for so long, and he needed some help. So I began the work of easing him of that load.
“You’re staying here tonight. Upstairs. Got it?”
She nodded.
“Do you need to borrow some pajamas? Or anything like that?”
“Nope. I packed a suitcase.”
“Good. And no bullshit. Not while you’re home, and not while you’re out. Not while you’re living here. Because if I get even a whiff of any, then--I swear to God--I’m telling him everything.”
“Yes Mommy.”
“Goddamn it, Rachel, I’m serious.”
“I’m sorry, Tess. I promise I won’t fuck this up.”
“You’d better not.”
And she headed up the fourteen stairs. To the apartment that wasn’t really mine anymore.
I waited for Brian in the bedroom, sat on the bed, cross-legged, trying to ignore the guilt that gnawed at me from all the lies I’d told him; the lies I’d let Rachel tell him. I didn’t have the energy to deal with the guilt right now. It had been such a long day, a day of too much planning and trying to think ahead. Of trying to shield and help and protect. And I knew my day wasn’t over.
It didn’t take him long in the shower. He sat down beside me and got right to the point.
“You’re not going with her on Friday.”
“It doesn’t bother me, Brian. Really.”
“Yes it does.”
I shrugged. “Well, I’m going. She can’t go alone. She won’t go with you. And who else is there?” No one. Just her druggie friends and a psychotic drug dealer who’d kill her if he knew what she was doing. And what was I going to do about Tim, anyway?
“Tess…”
“I’m going. And that’s that. So let’s just not talk about it anymore.”
Because Friday would get here soon enough and then there’d be more guilt, a different kind. But I’d have to deal with it then. Because right now there was something more important to worry about. I brought it up first, before he could.
“I was ready for this. Moving down here with you, I mean. Even before she--”
“I know you were, Tess.”
But he didn’t know. I thought about the bleach box that had been filled with pictures, thought about the three piles. Things that you keep and things you discard and things that you give away. About saying goodbye and moving on. But I didn’t know if he’d understand. And I was too tired to explain it to him.
I stood up to get ready for bed. Once I was naked he gave me an apologetic smile and said, “I’m not really up to doing anything tonight, Tess.”
“I know.”
“I’m just…I’m too tired tonight. Maybe in the morning or--”
“I said I know, Brian.”
“Okay.”
As I slipped on my nightshirt, he reached around, underneath his shirt, trying to get at an itch on his back. He couldn’t reach it; not from above, not from below.
“I’ll get it for you. Actually, why don’t you just take off your shirt and I’ll get the whole thing.”
I didn’t have to ask twice. I scooted him over to the middle of the bed and sat on his ass; straddled it. It felt like the sexiest thing I’d ever done to him and I just sat like that for a long moment, enjoying the way he felt underneath me. It made him smile. Then I began.
I scratched his back all over; lightly at first, then a little harder, and he groaned his appreciation. Murmured something about sheetrock dust and how he always felt like he was covered in it. Even when he wasn’t. I didn’t stop scratching until his shoulders relaxed. And even when they did they still looked tight. Tense.
They were always tight. Always tense.
I leaned over and grabbed a bottle of lotion from the nightstand. It wasn’t the kind we sometimes used in this room, not one of those oils that have a hot, sexy name and an arousing fragrance. It was just plain lotion in a plain green bottle. Just plain aloe. I rubbed some together in my hands to warm it up and looked down at his naked back. It was the first time I’d ever really looked at it like this. I was usually too interested in the other side. His chest. In hair that was Van Dyke brown. But his back was beautiful. It really was.
His shoulders were broad and strong; tender and powerful all at once. I put a hand on each of them, leaned down and kissed him gently between his shoulder blades. It was my favorite spot to touch when he was lying on top of me, the softest spot on his whole body. I kissed it again, gently, without any passion. Because I knew what he’d meant by I’m too tired tonight; knew why he’d said it. And I needed him to know:
That’s not all you are to me.
He didn’t say a word, didn’t make a sound. Just lay there, breathing silently. I sat up again, caressed him lightly, barely touching him. Just enough to let the lotion soak into his shoulders and neck and back. I looked at his profile against the stark, white pillowcase. His eyes were closed but he wasn’t really at rest. His jaw was still tense, his whole face drawn and worried. And a single tear slid slowly down his cheek.
There were no words I could think of to say to him, nothing that might even begin to get rid of the ache in his heart. So instead I rubbed his aching body. Slowly. Massaging, kneading, gently with probing fingers, then harder with the heels of my hands. He opened his eyes, just barely, and gave a feeble, muffled protest.
“Tess, cut it out. You need to get some sleep, too.”
“Shhhh...don’t worry about me.” It was a stupid thing to say, because he always worried about me. Almost as much as he worried about Rachel.
My first job on Friday morning would be Dr. Stephens’ office. If I waited long enough, waited until he walked in the door at seven-thirty, I could ask him how many muscles were in the human body. He would probably laugh, but he would rattle off the exact number without even having to think about it. He could tell me each of their names, tell me all about how they were each connected to tendons and bone, how they were all connected to each other. But it wouldn’t matter, because I already knew the names of each tight spot on Brian’s shoulders and back and neck; each hard knot. And I knew exactly what each one was really connected to.
Like the tightness in the muscles right below his neck. Tight and hard from carrying so many burdens for so long. Sometimes he sat hunched over at night, his shoulders bowed down, like it was finally just too much. Like his soul was finally, completely crushed by all the pain and fear and rage from his father leaving him and Rachel and his mom. Because Rick had left them, in all the ways that were important, long before Wendy passed away.
And the spot between his shoulders blades, the spot I loved...that was a tender spot. A hollow sort of ache. Sad. Empty. He missed his mom. He missed hearing her voice and laughter and music. Her beauty and encouragement. She’d been stern, too, and he missed that; missed her guidance. Her love. Even now that he was a man he still missed all of that; wanted her there so she could see him. As a man. Wanted to know that she was proud of him, to hear her say that he’d done a good job. He wanted her to see him happy and in love.
Some of the tenderness and tightness was me, I knew. Small pains, here and there. Twinges, mostly, but sometimes they flared up for real; sometimes so badly that I could almost hear it. Why won’t she open up, why won’t she tell me anything? Tell me something real, Tess. Something real. I know she loves me, she says it, so I have to believe it. I have to believe her. You loved him enough to promise that you’d spend forever with him. It’s real, everything love is supposed to be. I know it. Because she says it. And it is...right?
I know, Brian. I know and I’m sorry. It is real, I swear. And I’m trying to believe in forever again. I really am…
And, of course, Rachel.
Rachel was everywhere, in every knot. Every single one. I wouldn’t be able to rub away that burden, that ache, that tightness; not if I let him lie here underneath me forever. Because she was all alone and hungry and scared while I was out having fun and screwing around. Even after I promised to take care of her, I still let her down. But now I’m here and she needs me to protect her but she won’t let me. She won’t listen. She won’t do her homework, won’t buckle down, and that means she’s gonna be stuck in a dead end job. Stuck and she doesn’t get it. And now she’s fifteen, she’s only fifteen, and I think she’s having sex. She’s too young and I can’t make her stop it. How can I get her to stop? And now she wants to leave, and I can’t stop that either because she’s old enough, at least the law says she can leave and there’s nothing I can do about it, but she’s not ready. Not really, because can she afford her own place? Will she pay her bills? Get enough to eat? How can she be safe on her own if I’m not there? And now there are guys, lots of them, too many, and she doesn’t even bother to hide it. And drugs, I know it. I can see that in her eyes, she’s been trying it all. Shit, I didn’t do it right. I messed it all up, screwed it all up, did it all wrong because she’s looking for a daddy. She’s looking for anything, she’s doing everything, doing everyone, just trying to fill up that hole in her heart, that lonely, awful ache. And now there’s Tim and it’s even worse, worse than I ever imagined because he’s not like the rest of them, not just there for fun. And now she’s back, she’s safe, but she’s not. She’s not safe because she’ll never be safe. She’s hurting, hurting, and I can’t stop it. She needs me to protect her again. Still. Always.
Forever.
His breathing slowed. Light and steady. Drifting. Until, finally, he was asleep. But still I didn’t stop.
My own tears came, light and steady and silent, and I let them drip onto his back. I rubbed them into what little lotion remained, and they made it slick again. I worked at it, worked on him, until I couldn’t do it anymore, until my arms and hands and fingers were too stiff and sore. Until my tears stopped.
And still, his shoulders and back and neck were tight. Tense. Hard. Even in his sleep.