I popped my bag of treats in the trunk, covered it with my sweatshirt and closed the trunk again. Then I turned to Brian. “Do you mind driving?”
“I don’t mind.”
I tossed him the keys and took my first sip of coffee. Coach was a first rate asshole, but he did know how to make a decent brew. Brian finished eating his donut just as we reached the interstate. He waited until my coffee was gone before he spoke again. It took me fourteen miles.
“Poulin. Was that shithead back there your mom’s boss?”
I shuddered. His memory was too good. “Nope. Her boss is Mike Poulin. Coach Poulin is his older brother.”
He nodded. “And Coach Poulin hates you.”
“Yep.”
“All those other people in there do, too?”
“Yep.”
“Because your ex is their sports god and you divorced him.”
“Because I had the nerve to marry their sports god in the first place. And then I cheated on him.”
I’d said it. It was out there and there was no taking it back. All I could do now was close my eyes and wait for the reaction. Because I knew how he felt about that particular sin. He rarely referred to his father as anything other than That Cheating Bastard, and he always put and extra dose of venom in the Cheating.
“Oh.”
That was all he said. Oh. And after a few more minutes he cleared his throat.
“That can’t be the reason that coach asshole hates you, though. Seems to me like it went a little deeper than that.”
It was my turn for The Great Debate: An easy lie or the difficult truth. Because there was only one way for that story to begin:
When I was sixteen years old, I fucked my mother’s boss…
And it would end with that word. The one I’d dared Coach to say. Less than half an hour ago I was too tired and too defeated to care if Brian knew the truth, if he knew everything. Now I was even more tired and more defeated than I’d ever been in my life. And that’s why I had to keep it from him. And so I lied.
“That’s the only reason.”
Then there was more silence. Three miles of it. Three miles and a half.
“I don’t know what you want me to do, Tess.”
Let me help you. Let me fix it. Fix, fix, fix. Like it was a hole in the wall or a leaky roof. “There’s nothing for you to do. You asked me a question and I answered it for you. That’s all that happened back there.”
“That’s all.”
“That’s. All.”
He was silent again, but not for too long. Just two more miles. Because he couldn’t just leave it at that. “You know what? Just fucking forget them. People like that, they’ve nothing to do so they stick their noses in other people’s shit just so they can tell them how bad it stinks. Believe me, Tess. I know those kind of people.”
I nodded. I knew he did. Small towns were all the same. Filled with small people who spent their time waiting for leftover bits of other people’s misery. A scrap of truth here, a dollop of assumption there. Stir it together in a mixing bowl, stuff it inside a flaky crust, bake until golden brown and you’ve got yourself a tasty gossip pie. Serve it hot and fresh and you’ll be the star of next Sunday’s potluck supper.
Eight more miles of silence. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but I didn’t dare to ask. I looked at the radio and almost turned it on, but we had a rule. The driver chose the station. So I looked ahead at the black tar, tried to count the white lines coming at us, but they were too fast, so fast that they looked like dots. I tried counting anyway and got to fifteen before nausea forced me to give it up. I looked out the window and saw a big sign.
Rest Area Ahead. 2 Miles.
One-point-seven miles later Brian hit the blinker and clicked off the cruise control. He drove up the long ramp, parked in a spot far away from the restrooms, turned off the engine and pocketed the keys. We were the only car there. I still couldn’t look at him. I was afraid he’d know the truth, that he’d be able to see it in my eyes. That I was a big fat ugly liar. That I really was a whore. But I was more afraid of what I’d see in his. What I wouldn’t see there anymore.
“Do you, uh…need to use the bathroom?”
I nodded, still looking straight ahead. “Yeah. But you go first.” We couldn’t go at the same time. I didn’t want to leave the trunk unguarded. He left without a word, came back a few minutes later, still silent. I opened the door. Hesitated for a few moments. I wanted to say something to him. Something. But I didn’t know what to say. So I left. Without a word.
The bathroom was covered with cold, white tile. Ceilings, walls, floors, counter. I did my business, washed up, fixed my makeup and turned to leave just as another woman walked in. She was probably my age. She had big hair that was stiff with spray and a warm smiling face. It was the friendliest face I’d seen in a long time, so I nodded a greeting.
She shook her head. Confused, indignant, almost hurt. “Y’all don’t do much talkin’ up here,” she said.
Southern accent. And that’s when I knew why she seemed so upset with us all up here. Dave’s roommate in college was from Georgia. He’d always talked a blue streak whenever I called, whether Dave was there or not. Not to flirt. He just liked to talk. Open, chatty, warm. Apparently Southerners were all like that. I envied them.
I couldn’t say that to this strange woman, of course, but I managed a smile and tried to reassure her. “Nothing personal. Just New England reticence.”
She heaved a sigh and headed for a stall.
There was a green minivan with North Carolina plates parked directly in front of the restroom. Kids wrestling inside, husband standing outside the closed driver’s door. Smoking. Ignoring the commotion. Accustomed to it. I made a point of walking through the smoke that blew towards me on the breeze…
Brian was leaning against the passenger door, apparently tired of driving already. I held out my hand for the keys but he shook his head. He closed his eyes for a moment and inhaled deeply through his nostrils. I stifled a groan and braced myself for a long’un. He opened his eyes and began it this way:
“Here’s the deal, Tess. I hooked up with a lotta girls after Rachel moved out. A lot. I was horny and tired of being alone and...mostly I did it just because I could. It was actually pretty easy. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. I’m not gonna bother you about most of that because most of those girls don’t have anything to do with us. But the whole thing with Ashley is different. I should’ve told you about her a long time ago, because I knew she was bugging you. I knew it all along, and I was just waiting for you to--”
“I told you already, Brian. I don’t want to hear about her.”
“Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway. Because you seem to think it was this big deal and it wasn’t. Not the way you think anyway. I was at a stupid party I had no business being at and I saw her there. She was cute and I knew she had a crush on me so I went home with her. And the sex was horrible. It was just…really quick and really bad.”
I almost laughed, even though it wasn’t funny. Of course the sex was bad. She hadn’t know what the hell she was doing. He’d helped himself to the poor girl’s virginity…and he didn’t even know it.
“I woke up the next morning in bed with a girl I barely know who’s a fucking dingbat to boot. And then I had to tell her that I used her, ‘cause she thought…well, you know what she thought. I felt like shit about it. I still feel like shit about it and I wish it had never happened. Whenever I see her now...I’m not thinking about the sex or about how cute she is or anything like that. I think about how she got hurt because I acted like a stupid, selfish asshole. And I think about Rachel, about how she’s been treated just like that. And it makes me remember that nobody deserves to be treated that way. Nobody. Okay? See, that’s what I would’ve told you if you’d ever asked me about her. But you never did.”
North Carolina finally started to pull away and I looked over. Friendly Lady stared at Brian in obvious confusion as they rolled past. She was probably making herself a mental note to double-check the definition of ‘reticence’ when she got back home to the land of cotton.
I turned back to him and let him continue.
“See here’s the thing, Tess. I believed in clean slates once. But it’s bullshit. You know it, too. We bring our old shit with us. Okay? All of it. Whether it’s an ex-girlfriend or an ex-husband or a dead mother or...whatever. It’s all there, Tess, all of it. And I’ll tell you, I didn’t give it a thought until your ex showed up at my door looking for you. Up until that moment I thought just like you did. That whatever happened to us before we got together didn’t really matter that much. That it was just ancient history and didn’t have anything to do with what’s going on now. But I’ve been thinking about it ever since and you know what? I think he was always there. He was always right outside, just waiting to knock on my door. Since the day you moved in. Just like Ashley was waiting there to corner you. And I’m not bringing all this up because I want you to...I don’t give a shit about...”
He stopped and seemed to consider his words. Whatever it was, it was ripe.
“I don’t care about how many dicks you played with before you met me. That’s not it. It’s just that…It’s him, Tess. It’s him. You loved him once. You loved him enough to put on a white dress and stand in front of your family and friends and a priest and God and promise that you’d spend forever with him. I’m not saying that I’m ready to run out and get married tomorrow. Or in a month or…” He shook his head. “Hell, that’s not true. I’d do it right now, right this second, if I thought you were up to it. And I’m not saying that you have to feel that way right now, too. I just need to know that what we’ve got here is…real. That it’s not just about you using me to get over him. And--”
“Brian, please--”
“No, Tess. Let me finish. And as far as what happened with you and your ex, about you cheating on him? With whoever the guy was? I don’t really need to know anything about it unless you want to tell me. But there’s one other thing I do need to know, Tess. Just one and it’s this. What else have you got out there that’s waiting to knock on my door? Is it that other guy? Because...I don’t know who it is or what it is, but there’s something there. That much I know.”
He wasn’t angry. Just a man gathering intelligence. Preparing for a possible frontal assault. And, of course, he was right. And he really did deserve the truth. After all, I’d brought him into that place. He didn’t ask to go. I’d grabbed him by the hand and pulled him inside, expecting someone else to do my dirty work for me. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Not everything. So I took a deep breath and told him what I could.
“His name was Chris. He was one of Dave and Jason’s friends. They were all buddies in high school. Last fall I was lonely and scared because my marriage was going to hell and Chris was...there. He was convenient I guess and it just happened. Just once. And it was my fault because I made the first move.”
I actually couldn’t remember if I’d made the first move. I couldn’t remember if I’d planned my seduction before or after he spilled the beans about what Coach had said to him and Jason. Or if I’d planned anything at all. All I could remember was reaching for him. A sudden, desperate, nameless Need. Like when you’re working outside in the heat and you realize--all of a sudden--that you’re thirsty as hell; that aching, light-headed thirst that borders on dehydration. So you run to the garden hose and just start sucking the water right out of it. And even though it’s lukewarm and tastes dirty and metallic, it’s exactly what you need so you don’t notice the taste. It was just like that.
“Chris left Brookfield too, just like me. I don’t know where he is right now and I don’t care. But he’s not gonna show up at your door. Or my door. Not literally or figuratively. Because it was nothing. I ruined his friendship with Jason. And with Dave. That’s all I am to him, okay? I’m nothing to him but a fuck. A stupid, worthless fuck.”
She’s the girl you fuck and toss aside.
“Just like I was to all the rest of them. Everyone except for you.”
He didn’t take the bait, didn’t even blink. He only said, “And except for Jason.”
It was the first time he’d ever said the name and it sounded like it hurt him to do it. Because he was right. Even after Jason finally noticed me, once he wanted me, he didn’t do anything about it. I would have let him make a night of it, or even two or three if he’d wanted to, because it was the only way I could think of to get him. And he knew it. But he had waited, just like Brian had waited. Even if it was for a different reason.
He waited partly because of Dave, because he was afraid of him. But mostly he waited because of Us; the three of us. Because of summer vacations we spent running through the grass in his backyard and rolling down hills and fishing for trout in the brook. Eating Alice’s special tuna sandwiches with the pickles cut up so, so tiny and Fritos on the side. Swing set races; pumping our legs furiously, higher and higher until one of us said, NOW! let go! Then flying through the air, the best feeling in the world, the best feeling ever. Pushing the air aside like it was water, trying to use it to push ourselves farther forward, just a little bit more; to stay in the air just another moment longer. Then landing hard on the ground.
An entire lifetime of friendship and love. And I was content to lump him in with the rest of the nobodies and nothings who all thought of me as a nobody and a nothing. As just another worthless fuck. I had to. Because I couldn’t bear it otherwise.
Tess, I want you to know something...
The evening before we got married. Standing alone outside the restaurant after the rehearsal dinner, standing there underneath the stars. He kissed me, so gently, with his beard tickling my lips. My cheek. The way I loved it.
...and don’t ever forget...
He held me so close, with strong arms, stronger than they had ever been. And he said it, the most beautiful words in the world, the most beautiful words that he’d ever spoken.
I have loved you forever.
He said it because he knew. Because Coach had told him about Mike.
…and I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me. I married you anyway.
And I wondered, not for the first time, what would have happened if he’d told me he knew. Right then, at that moment.
Flying. Falling. Landing hard.
But it didn’t matter. Because now there was Brian, and it was just as real to me with him as it had been with Jason. That feeling of being Almost There. And he really was right there, waiting for me to talk again.
“Jason is…nothing now. Not anymore. And you’re not my boy toy. Okay? I don’t give a shit what he said to you. If all I wanted from you was sex I would’ve just grabbed you that night in my apartment and made you stay with me. Maybe for a night or maybe for a little longer. We would’ve had a good time, and…that would’ve been it. But, Brian, that’s not all you are to me. You…you’re…” I sighed. “Listen to me, Brian. I love you.”
I put as much feeling and power behind the word as I could, but it still didn’t seem like enough. Because what I meant, of course, was that he was fire and music and life. That he was everything that was good and decent and strong. That his heart was so big and full that I couldn’t understand how his body could possibly contain it; why it didn’t just burst open and spill out all over the place, all that passion and wonder and heat.
Because love is a weak word. Just four little letters. But it was the only word I had, so I said it again, because I really did love him. Even though what I meant was all those words I couldn’t bring myself to say, all the emotions I didn’t even know the names for. The ones that meant even more.
“I love you. And I know you want more from me and you deserve it, all of that. And I’m trying, Brian, I’m trying so hard not to be scared of it. So...please just be patient with me. I’m trying.”
It was all I could say to him, because I couldn’t promise him the white dress. Couldn’t even wrap it up in a Someday. Even though I wanted to. Even though the worst thing I could imagine was being without him. Living without him. I couldn’t actually bring myself to imagine it, even though I knew that I would be. Someday. Because I knew something that Brian didn’t. There really is no such thing as forever.
“I know you are, Tess.”
“And that whole thing back there was...I’m sorry I made you go in there and see that. I just didn’t want you to keep thinking I was ashamed of you. Because it had nothing to do with you. It was something I should’ve taken care of months ago, before I moved away and I couldn’t. But I just did, so now I’m fine. I’m...better. It’s all better now.”
“Really. All better now. You’re just feeling so happy and in love with life and the universe.” He gestured towards the trunk. “So your little snack in there is for...what? For kicks?”
“No, that’s just…”
He waited. “Just?”
Just a cloud, Brian. A cloud and a rainbow. One Something to help me float away and another Something to bring back the colors. Because they’re all gone and I need them back. Even if it’s just for one night. Even if it’s for just a few hours. At least enough to help me get through the rest of the day and night and make it into tomorrow…
“I just need to unwind. It’s been a fucking long weekend. Hell, it’s been a long summer. And I worked hard to squirrel away enough money to get me through the winter and...I just needed to use some of it to unwind a little.”
“Unwind.”
“Yeah. And it’s been a long time since I’ve had either of those...snacks. Let alone both. And I’ve got sugar in there, too. Real sugar and deep fried fatty dough and--”
He laughed at that, so I did too.
“One night won’t kill me.” I put my arms around his waist and pulled him close. “Or you. If you want.”
He waited before he answered and I knew what he was thinking. Rachel. Because I was, too. Thinking about all the advice I’d given her and what a hypocrite it made me to be going down this road. But even though it was almost the same thing, it wasn’t really.
He sighed. “Alright. It’s been awhile for me, too. But I don’t want you to think that we’re done talking about this.”
“I know.” I said it even though I knew I’d do my best to see that we really were done talking about it.
When we got home it was already dark. There was no moon; only a skyful of stars. Brian grabbed the donut bag from the trunk and met me on the lawn. I didn’t bother to go inside for a blanket, even though it really was chilly; we unpacked our little picnic right on the grass. And when our snacks were finally ready he had a warning for me.
“This shit makes me…well, I’m gonna talk your frigging ear off.”
“And that’s different...how?”
It didn’t take me long to find out. He became the Philosopher of Everything. It seemed unreal to him that love, a thing that was so chaotic and irrational, could even exist in a universe that was, at its very core, so orderly and precise, let alone keep that universe in motion. He heard music in the gently swishing pines and it was the same music he remembered hearing once in the ocean’s white, frothy waves as they crashed on glittery, stony shores during a childhood trip to the coast. I could actually hear the musical waves as he spoke, just as if I’d been there with him, and it washed away the lonely, empty ache inside of me, better than the trippy haze alone ever could have done. Because his voice was deep and sweet and rich and slow and the words that poured out of him sounded just like poetry and honey.
I begged him to keep talking, to just talk and talk and never, never stop, so he told me all about the stars. They were winking at us, he said, because they knew something that we didn’t. It was a secret they were forced to hide, a secret so great and wondrous that they wanted to shout it out so the whole world would know, but they had to keep it buried deep inside. Even so he knew what it was, because someone had told him a long time ago. The stars, he said, were actually souls; all the souls that were too restless to be locked up in heaven. They were so restless that God let them stay outside at night to play.
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard him say, that I’d ever heard anyone say, and I forgot for a moment that he didn’t even believe in God. And when I did remember I still believed his words and I was thankful that He had chosen tonight to let so many restless souls out to play. I smiled up at them and they smiled right back. Giant prism smiles that shattered the white light into a thousand colors. They dripped all over the sky, slowly, just like hot candle wax. I tried to whisper to them, wanted to tell them that I knew their secret, but no words would form. They heard me though, or at least heard my thoughts, because they came in a little closer; so close I could touch them. I reached up, stretched as far as I could stretch while still lying on my back…and I swept my fingers across the cold, wet, colorful sky.
Brian reached up, too, but not for the stars. He grabbed my hand, brought it back down to Earth, and I think he knew, even though I didn’t tell him. I think he felt it all in my fingertips. Because he kissed them, each one, so gently, with precious, tender lips. And when he kissed my mouth I could taste the night on his lips and his tongue. Sweet honey words and neon stardust, and we made love, in slow motion, naked underneath the mischievous stars.
The night was chilly and the ground was cold, like I was lying on January’s carpet. But it soon melted away; the cold, the grass, the ground itself. It all evaporated and we were enveloped in its steam. Because Brian was burning with a heat more intense and pure than the sun. He was heat, the source of everything warm, and in that night of mist and haze and waxy skies his body was the only thing that was real, our love the only thing that was solid. The only solid thing in the world, in vast expanse of the universe. For a brief moment lucidity flickered, and I begged the starry, restless souls that it was true. That it would still be true even after the mists were gone and the haze wore off and the ground returned.
That it would always be true.